pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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