I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
