I'm going to jail i love you
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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