Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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