I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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