please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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