ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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