Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
