Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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