drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
