Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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