My friends, they love my intelligence
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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