I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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