The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
