her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
whose parrot is this?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
