listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
