genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
