She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
