what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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