Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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