upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
