I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
