There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
pray to the hookup gods
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
