Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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