I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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