I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
