he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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