why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
