actually, I'm a sock model
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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