hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
