I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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