It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You were trust falling into bushes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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