just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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