sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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