Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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