just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
