Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
