martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Drunk is a universal language darling
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