I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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