Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize