After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
