Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
