the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
