There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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