I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
