Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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