there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
