i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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