we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
