2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
