Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
