Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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