I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
