I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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