Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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