haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
