I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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