I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
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Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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