So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
