Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
