I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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